She reminds me of ME

Behind every single soul, there's a story.

In every life, there's history...

Sometimes, it is shared...sometimes it remains as a secret...

I think I'm ready to share and let it go...bit by bit

I'm ready to reveal the secret to the world

I'm done keeping it...

Story about HER

I've been meaning to write about her since the day I met her. She's sooo tiny and fragile when I 1^st laid my eyes on her pretty face. At first it feels weird to hold her in my arms, coz she reminds me of someone… I was kinda avoiding having to hold her. There's a mixture of fear, sympathy and uncertainty feelings every time I touch her. It's weird. But she's plain pure and innocent. She's like a sunshine that brings light to the person I love. She's like the last piece of a jigsaw puzzle to makes a perfect picture. She gives a new hope when they thought they'd never had one… She completes them…bringing more love and joy to the family. And now, we share her love together…

24^th May 2008

I received an sms from my sister saying she's gonna have a baby. Well, I'm excited coz I thought she's announcing that she's pregnant. I called her to dig for more details about her pregnancy. Apparently she's not carrying one but am taking one from someone... "owh-kay", is what I managed to reply for her big, happy news. Then, I congratulated her and tell her how happy I am, and that I can't wait to come home and see her new baby. I know how much she wanna have a child of her own. She experienced abortion once while I'm far...far away. They tried to get pregnant but still until today the luck is not on their side. I just believe that God has a better plan ahead of them. And what they are waiting for has finally come to end their loneliness and fill the missing part of their life. I'm nothing but happy… too happy in many ways. As the one that came to them, reminds me of ME! 25 years ago…

I went back home the next week to help my sister with all the arrangement to bring her home. And then, I saw her mother...her birth mother…I took a good looked at the woman or shall I say a girl coz she looks young. She's still weak as she just gave birth to her baby girl last week. I've been there in the same situation so I know how she felt plus all the giving away process she has to go through. When I looked at her, I can't help but thinking of my birth mother at the same time. How does she look like when she's giving me away. How does she felt about the decision she's making. Would she care about the baby the day after that day? Would she wanna see her baby again? Would she even remember the face of the baby she gave birth to? And a whole lot more of stupid questions clouded my half-conscious mind. Of course, I'll never have the answers to all my questions but I got some of the idea from the look of the woman who's about to repeat a history. All I can say is that, she's a mess and giving up her child might just be the best decision for her and the baby. At least, I hope so…

Story about ME

The baby girl... she reminds me of ME. I was at her place different situation 25years back. I was adopted. My biological mother was my sister's best friend. Due to some circumstances, she had to give me away. Although my foster family was not a pocket-full of money family either, they accepted me with open arms. They love me unconditionally that I didn't even have a slightest thought I was adopted. But of course I was too young to figure out all that... It's not easy growing in a family who is not your biological family. Not because they didn't treat you well, or they didn't love you just enough…but, by how others, I mean outsiders who treat you as an 'anak angkat'. I knew I'm adopted when I was still a little girl...if I'm not mistaken, I was around 5…I was learning how to write alphabets and trying to spell my name and my family. It was the time when I was trying to list down all my siblings name altogether. Then, I realized that their father's name isn't the same as mine. I asked my sister, but she lied saying that my mother married twice.hehehe… it's ridiculous and I know it's a lie. Then, I became more eager to know more... I went digging for more and searched for my birth certificate. I found out about my birth mother's name, my father's, where I was born and all the details on it. I can still remember the feelings. It was a mixed feelings between surprised +confused +sad and so many more unexplainable feelings. I remembered thinking of how am I supposed to react to that. Took me some time to swallow the fact and act casual. Slowly I came to my sense and chose to ignore… why? Because I'm happy for what I have back then and I don't wanna hurt my mother and sisters.

I'm an adopted child and an orphan too. My foster father passed away when I was 3. I don't remember any memories about him but I have his picture. So, basically I'm raised without a father. I don't have a man in my life to call 'abah' to when I can finally made my noisy sounds into words… I don't know how a father's love feels like… I'm always jealous looking at my friends being with their dad. I'm once being called 'budak kurang ajar' at school kononnyer because I'm raised without a father's attention. B*D*H!! I still remember that girl who said that to me and we are still friends until today. I'm no angel myself! But I disgraced her for what she did to me back then. You see, it really is not easy being a fatherless girl…tougher when you're surrounded by people who're sometimes being mean and use it as a weapon to hurt you. But, it's not easy to bring me down…I'm stronger than they think…but, deep inside I'm still that little girl who wonder… wonder how does it feel to be love by a father… I kept picturing me with my biological father, but then it's hard to imagine because I can't put his name to a face …because I don't have his picture…

My biological mother…well, I saw her the 1^st time when I was 12. She looks nothing like me...or should it be the other way round? I look nothing like her... a judgement that came from my eyes… she brought along my big brother and younger brother. I can't tell if we have any similarities anywhere… their nose? their eyes? their skin? And then, I stopped comparing my physicals and started thinking and imagining if I go home with them… I'm used of being the baby girl in the family that I don't think I can handle having an adik. Can they accept me as the new member in their life? Can we get along well? And then they told me I have a younger sister too… so that makes me the 2^nd child of 4siblings… how can they gave me up? I'm the 2^nd…? She took care of the other 3 and not me? And then more and more questions crushed in my mind again but I slowly chose to 'I don't have to know all that' because I'm happy for what I am. The past is history... and I can't turn back the time. Whatever the answer is, it doesn't change anything anymore…it might just make me feel worse. Hence, I chose not to know. It's hard being adopted when it is obvious that you're an adopted child. You know what I mean? my siblings( 3 sisters and 3 brothers) are fair and I'm..well, the black sheep of the family (but I'm being treated well and being love unconditionally…) people always ask, why my sister looks like a chinese and I look like anak mami? My sister's answer is, 'owh..dia nih lahir masa bulan gelap'. well, it's not scientifically true..not even close. But, it sure soothe me and helps my heart understands that they love me the same. I know that people can guess that I'm adopted by the way I looked from my brothers and sisters but I just hope they don't treat me like I don't deserve a decent life. Don't hunt me with words that the shows I'm just an 'anak pungut'…don't ever make me feel like my family didn't love me just because we didn't share the same blood. It's a sensitive issue… it really is!

But, truly I'm grateful to be blessed with beautiful people around me that motivated me to become a better person. To be able to proof to those who doubt me that I'm not useless and helpless. To proof that 'anak tukang buat kuih' can be successful and stand on her own feet. Above all, I thank the women who helped me go through this complicated life of mine…my mom and sisters and friends. I never regret being raised without a father because they showered me with love more than a father himself could give. I wish for the strength to be able to repay their kindness. I hope God bless them with good health and happiness. I just hope… deep down their heart they didn't regret taking me into the family… I just hope I didn't let them down in any ways.

Back to the little girl, a new member in the family...well, I hope she'll grow up to be someone we can be proud of. I want to treat her just like my own daughter. I hope I can give my best for her and help in every way...

I got the honour to name that little girl… a significant name that came across my mind when my sister asked me to put a name to that pretty little face. I hope she'll be as beautiful and kind as her name… * * * * * * * * * *

~I named her QASEH SOFEA~

( Sofea = beautiful, wisdom, clean heart )

To Desire is to Obtain, To Aspire is to Achieve

Cerita Minggu lepas;

saya sibuk dgn budak ini..actually, always sibuk dgn budak ini..dan saya suka menyibukkan diri dgn budak ini ;) kemudian, sibuk juga dgn si dia nih.. teman jalan2, mkn luar sama2, layan roti bakar mlm2... dating tengok wayang, mengadu itu ini..pot-pet-pot-pet...etc..

this is my must-have-therapy! tehehe kemudian,sibuk juga dgn seminar ini. Alhamdulillah, semuanya telah berakhir dgn jayanya. Tahun depan kalau ada rezeki, boleh buat lagi... senario semasa seminar.kami yg tekun mendengar pembentangan kertas kerja.. ada org nun kat blkg tu sempat nk jenguk kamera.. ish3.. sorang tu tido ke? antara yg menjayakan seminar kali ini... somewhere around last week, kami bawa la anak-comey-kami ni jalan2 ke Jusco berhampiran rumah kami oleh kerana minggu lps petang selalu hujan.. anak comey ini tak berkesempatan nk main2 di taman permainan.. kami ganti dgn indoor-playground kat sini. macam ayam lepas dr kandang.. bukan main seronok lagi dia panjat sana-sini.. the giant slide.. mak dia sgt ngeri nak tunggu dia turun... Sabtu pulak bawa atuk & moyang jalan2 kat Mines.. Rayyan excited tgk cruise dlm shopping mall tu.. siap nk lompat dlm sungai budak ni..pantang lepa pgi ahad, kami bangun pkl 530pg.. dia pon bangun sama... nk ikut juga ke KLIA hantar Ummi pergi holiday... tgh hari kami bergegas hantar atuk & moyang balik Melaka...lps tu bergegas balik rumah pick up Rayyan menuju ke Kajang sbb pkl 3 Rayyan ada 'date' dgn awek comey ni~ diorang nih beza 3bulan je.. Rayyan lagi tua tp saiz badan dah nk sama... Rayyan ni terlebih exercise ;)OP pon bukan main aktif harituh walaupon menurut emaknya dia tido stgh jam je tgh hari tu... Rayyan pulak kejenya nk tepis2 muka org... tah angin ape.geram kot. muka mak dia paling kerap jadi mangsa... habis tudung ditarik2.. tak boleh nk bergaya bawa budak ni main sama2 baik2 yer...

"OpPpss...",kata OP sooo adorable la kamu berdua nie

dan hari ini, saya sgt moody dan malas. lps habis kelas bm ( another 2 to go..yosh!!) terus main solitaire.. huhu.. dah lama tak main, terkedek2 jugak.lps tu sempat jugak layan cite upin & ipin. siap kantoi pulak tu.. hahaha... lps tu kena siapkan preparation kelas grammar.. esok pagi ada taklimat dr 8pg sampai 1tgh hari. ptg ada kls bunkei(grammar) & balik pkl 6 pulak tu... nampak macam bz, tp ada selingan hiburan.. itu sudah mesti.. hihihi.. termasuk la mengupdate blog nih..

owh yea, berkaitan last entry. dgn ini saya mengumumkan bahawa, saya MENANG!! nampaknyer pengundi berpihak kepada saya. hehehe.terima kasih kepada yg sudi mengundi...

p/s: org selalu tanya, saya nih kacukan ke? ingin dinyatakan disini bahawa saya bukan anak kacukan. bukan mamak, bukan anak mami, bukan kacukan Arab atau yg seangkatan dengannya. Kata mak, saya tulen 100%Melayu. cumanyer, yg ada iras2 hindustan nih sbb mak saya menyampah sgt2 kat sorang makcik india nih masa dia mengandungkan saya.. terkenan kot.. cayer tak? hehehe... nnti ada masa saya cerita lagi...

The Ingredients

most people said that Rayyan really looks like me. it's something nice for my ears to hear but not for emir.. sbb dia jeles! hehehe.. but last week,when i was browsing around the old albums yg dah berhabuk2 in the closet.. i think rayyan also looks like his father during babyhood...

well,let's see what your eyes would have to say about that ;)

This is me

this picture was taken when i was around Rayyan's age now

helleww? with my brother me naik basikal

This is Emir

around 1year old++

learning to walk.. sama gaya mcm Rayyan

i can see rayyan :) can you?

on his 1st birthday

orang ada gmbr naik basikal..dia pon ada jugak :p

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and then, came Rayyan!

who does he resemble the most? Let the votes begin! hihihihi

Q:Best picture? --> A:It's gotta be the one with the 3 of us in 1 frame

MaiRayyan is 1year 3months

been sooo bz all week long..since last week actually.schedule was so packed with things to be done..this week makes no much different..still struggling to get things done on time or best before due. but, before i manage to settle one thing at a time,another work came... errrhh.. packed! packed! hate it when my class ends at 6pm.the traffic,the long drive and the stress! it all add up to my tiredness..

sampai rumah langit dah gelap,dah maghrib.masuk rumah,hugs n kisses for rayyan..main2 sat lepaskan rindu seharian, solat and terus masuk 'kilang'.half an hour later baru siap..it has been my routine everyday... for rayyan's next day supply.skg nih dah tak dapat nk simpan stok dlm freezer sbb ebm cukup2 je untuk bekalan satu hari... pernah juga tak cukup 'bekalan', rayyan kena bersabar dgn air putih or milo or air soya.. my maid said he's okay during the day,eventho supply dah habis.. tp siapla, bila balik kerja je, nampak muka 'kilang',dia terkam..kadang2 tu kena tahan dia suh papa dia ajak main2 dulu,sbb nak tunggu lps pam baru nk bagi..kalau tak,xcukup supply utk next day..hehehe.. sometimes i wonder,kalau dah pam kuar sampai 8oz..ada ke lagi susu dlm 'kilang'? tp tgk rayyan ok je bergayut,takde ngamuk2..ada la tu kot ;)

dah selesai semua utk rayyan,baru siapkan diri sendiri.mandi,makan,kadang2 tgk tv...lps tu mata mesti dah ajak2 tidur.. baru pkl 9.. tp mmg surrender... selalu je tertidur and end up tido sampai pagi.. kadang2 bgn tgh mlm nk smyg isyak..mesti sbb badan dah sedap lps mandi+perut dah kenyang dpt nasi.. sungguh nikmat tido.. kalau nk tidokan rayyan sambil baring,mmg comfirm maknyer pon tido sama... esok paginyer mesti ckp ngan emir, rugi rasa mlm td tertido..rasanyer each time tido awal cakap mcm tu kat dia..dia tanya kenapa? i said,"sbb tak puas nk spend masa dgn awak..." yerla,laki bini keje siang,jumpa malam je..kalu dah tdo awal,semua keje tak jadi..dia tahan pulak tak tido awal...kdg2 pkl 11 baru tido..anak bini dia dah tergolek dlm bilik..hehehe

sebab itulah,kami kalau weekend mesti berdua sokmo.bila2 dan ke mana2... bukan weekend saja,bila2 ada masa boleh bersama,mmg berdua...last friday,emir's company held a family day at S*W*Y Hotel and we got a room for the nite..he also got tickets to S*W*Y Lagoon too but sadly had to give it away to his collegue because we can't make it on that day..well,we thought we can't because we have class on early saturday morning and later have to go survey hotel for AA* annual dinner...apparently,during last minute the hotel can't make it on that day and re-schedule the appointment to next day.owwhhh... mak encik sgt angin.. kalau tak,bole la bawa rayyan mandi-manda+main air.. rayyan loves pool.. suka sgt main air,splash2.. apa nk buat,dah xde rezeki..dah jadi rezeki org lain.. maybe next time. i brought him to the hotel pool tho and bought him a pelampung yg bole duduk...tp tak berapa besh.. i love the one i saw at B*G*S*R Village more.. that one,he can move his arms and legs freely.

so,ptg sabtu tu..lps kelas kami lunch and terus balik rumah and tumbang.penat sangat sbb rushing sana sini..ptg jumaat meeting seminar(abis pkl 430)->bergegas ke hotel(5pm)->cari pelampung(6pm)->mandi kat hotel pool(7pm)->mandi+solat-> dinner at the mall (9pm)->bawa rayyan main kat play area->balik bilik(10pm)->preparation for tomorrow's class(11pm onwards sampai dlm mimpi..hihi).. while we're doing those things,emir was having fun with his collegues at dinner..balik2 terus buat class preparation and tido dgn kertas2 skali..syiann+comel~ .. heheh

ahad pulak,pagi2 pkl 6 rayyan dah bgn.sibuk kejut kami suh bangun..ngomel bahasa dia.tak paham..mcm tau je arinih nk bawa dia jalan.pkl 650pg dah keluar rumah ke AA* untuk hantar student thn 2 to their big exam.we were there to wish them luck and give some support.tengok muka derang,felt like i'm the one who had to sit for the papers..teringat kembali perasaan when it was my time 5years back.cuak beb.. the exam that's gonna decide our next journey... so,basically just saying,hi2+gambatte+bye2... i wish them all the best.. (may u all get what u wish for~)

lepas babai kakak2 & abang2 yg nak pergi amek exam,kami pon pergi mengisi perut yg kosong.plan asal kami(me,Kak F & Kak K*)nk mkn kat C*W*N.. tp tak sempat sbb later we have to go for the hotel thing.we just had breakfast at the cafe..

these are the pictures along the events for last saturday & sunday.pictures are courtesy from Kak K*.. she loves pictures.. no matter rayyan senyum,lari,panjat sana sini,tergolek or nangis, she kept on capturing rayyan's actions.. always busy with her camera at each and every event.best kalu ada jurugambar mcm nih selalu..heheheh.

HaPpY ViEwiNg!!

mereka2 yg nak pergi berjuang..."minna,gambatte ne!"

Rayyan & my Boss

perbincangan antara 2org dewasa dan sorang BabyRayyan..(siap dgn gaya..huhu)

My 2 Big Bosses & 1 lil' cute baby Boyfriend

Rayyan & Kak KB

Rayyan & Kak Fuza

Rayyan & Fazian Sensei

ini lah dia bila dah dapat kaki.. laju je!

lari2 pastu jatuh...

Cried for half minute........

and play summore... and you just can't say 'no'

he got some scratches on his knees and elbow... but he's okay :)

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and yess... the best pictures are the ones where the 3 of us are in 1 frame...

no matter if we're side by side..or a bit far from each other.. as long as it is in 1 frame :)

Nurture with Nature

last weekend, after saturday class we rushed back to Melaka for emir cousin's wedding.we reached there 3:30pm.. not many guests left..and the bride & groom were busy posing in front of the camera.. masuk semak samun, naik buai, duduk atas jalan bagai..huhuh.. lepas makan2, borak2 kejap with their parents.. we hurried back to alor gajah to meet Rayyan. He was doing okay without me.. huhuh.. but i missed him and kinda felt a bit worried letting him went 'far' away without my company.. although when i think of it ,it's just like me leaving him for work like daily routine.. only the distance laa.. it's melaka and not our home.. i kept wondering, does he eat well, can he sleep with all the other kids running around, has he had his ebm.. and now that he really loves to wonder around with his unstable walking style.. i hope he didn't fell and if he does, i hope there's someone around to help him... hahaha.. hari2 biasa kalau kat rumah, takde la risau sangat.. but the distance somehow matters.. fyi, since his birth, eventhough me n emir always jalan2, having to go to work, sometimes outstation.. pegi jauh.. there's never a night, me and rayyan were apart. maybe the main reason is the breastfeeding part.. and i don't think i can sleep without him kicking me,moving around 360 beside me in bed every night. i hope we don't have to go through night without Rayyan ever.. eventhough he's gaining more height and size, i still don't mind having to squeeze my side or emir's side of the bed for Rayyan to feel comfortable.. kadang2 bila bangun pagi, tengok he conquered most of the space.. with arms and legs wide open.. it all doesn't really matter to us especially when he gives us his cute smile on that cute face each time he wakes up feeling all energized and happy.. we might not even care if we have to give him all the space.. alahai, anak... anak... we spent the rest of the day kat kampung.. petang2 tu, i took rayyan outside of the house.. rimas tgk dia duduk dlm rumah je.. lgpun, kat kampung.. i should set him 'free' and let him play with nature..eheh, kononnyer.. so, i put on his army shoes ( a present from aunt ida ).. ala2 nak masuk hutan gitu.. and let him walk around the house.. kalau kat rumah kitorang, xde tanah..yg ada pun jalan bertar..so, kat kampung ni,bagi dia chance main2 daun, tanah, ranting2 and ayam?? ahhaha.. naseb la ayam nih lari lg laju daripada dia.. xsempat dia nk tangkap dan buli..kalu kucing dlm rumah moyang dia tu especially Tiger, selalu kena dera.. dia tarik ekor kawan tu, cucuk mata laa..tarik telinga laa.. huhuh..naseb la Tiger nih tak garang.. dia serah diri je. bila dah tak tahan dia lari.. back to the ayam2 moyangnyer pulak.. emir took out some jagung ayam and parade all the ayam in front of rayyan.. he was sooo excited to see so many small moving creatures around him.. trying to catch one but failed.. emir taught him how to pour the jagung ayam and bait them to move closer but apparently semua ayam tu dah xnak kawan dgn rayyan.. hahaha.. i'm soo happy seeing him playing like a real child should play..which is not only with plastic toys and gadgets that we buy from stores but also to let him experience what it is like to play with the nature.. i let him play with the sand.. i don't mind him sitting on the ground, picking the twigs, hunting around the chicken, falling and bringing himself up.. i just patrol and encourage him to do this and try that.. i'm having fun myself too.. here's what it looks like...

surrounded by so many interesting 'things

Rayyan's new toys

the closest distance a chicken dare to come

try that!

go on, try it!

there you go...

lepas nih nak bagi dia main apa pulak ye??!

i have more pictures to put here, but aritu sementara tunggu gambar tu nak upload,i felt asleep and flew to my wonderland..then, emir switched off the laptop before it's uploaded. a picture of Rayyan yang 'jambu'.. i'll get my hands on it later,kay!

till then, have a nice blooming day!

p/s: ina dear, i'll answer ur tag later yeah.. takde dateline kan?hehehe

updated!'

panjat tangga

say cheeeessse!! no?

inilah Rayyan yg jambu

or 'ayu'?