Salam Maal Hijrah 1430H & Selamat Tahun Baru 2009

last christmas holiday we went back to Batu Pahat..it's been almost 3months since our last visit,that was hari raya i think...so,this time we manage to spend more time at my mom's house since we usually went home just for 2days n 1night(cuti sabtu ahad je)..always seems rushing..this time,we're able to relax more and do extra activities... yatta! selalunya,everytime balik kampung i will visit my sibblings houses.call them to cook special dishes for us.kali ni pon sama..derang memang selalu je melayankan kerenah adik bongsu derang nih...heheh...lepak2 rumah derang sambil borak2...gathering ramai2...bawa mak sekali..sbb my mom ni,kalau tak angkut sama, dia tak minta nk pergi rumah anak2 dia...jenis yg sayang tinggal rumah..tp kalau i balik,sure i'll bawa dia jalan2 mana i pergi...kalau dulu dia mmg tak nak ikut,kali nih dia kata,"mak ikut je mana anak2 nak bawa.."hehehe.. balik kali ni rasa seronok sbb kami sempat pergi berkelah ke Hutan Lipur Sungai Bantang di Bekok,Johor..my sister said i've been there before but i totally can't recall the memories..so,i take this as my 1st time..same as rayyan n emirr...my mom pon.tempat dia,not bad lah..air sejuk mak oii...take time to get use to the coldness.rayyan sampai menggigil2 tp still tak nak keluar dr dlm air...air tak dalam sangat,sesuai utk kids...surroundings ok..bersih.cuma facilities penting mcm toilet tak cukup menampung visitors yg ramai.tempat nih jaraknya dr rumah my mom about 1.5hour.dekat sikit compare to kalau nk pergi Gunung Ledang...but i prefer Gunung Ledang lagi ;p so,here's some of the pictures taken masa balik kampung haritu... rayyan, hajimete no taki wa dou?? best tak? mata ikou ne!!

Rayyan belajar berenang

Rayyan's favourite 'lepak' spot

senyum+control menggigil kesejukan bibir dah biru pon nak main air lagi

remember Qaseh? she's now 8months old and was afraid of the cold water...

Rayyan floating away~

emirr,rayyan,qaseh n my nephew

azam di hati nak update banyak lagi stories..got hundreds more pictures to share with.insyaAllah,i'll post it slowly...

just a few more days and 2008 will be end soon.i'm lucky & happy to have written many memories i want to remember here and share it with family and friends.. i wanna thank everyone who's been supporting me and giving me their kind voices even it can't be heard it definitely reached my heart. i hope to continue to share more and more of my little joy with the world in future.

let's enjoy this precious life while we have the opprtunity and keep on creating good memories we want to remember...

love,

mai&rayyan

Priceless things around us

When you hear the word “MONEY,” which values come to mind?

Here are some examples of money values: Freedom, community, achievement, anger, acceptance, charity, dignity, family, generosity, greed, growth, happiness, honesty, harmony, honor, independence, integrity, identity, joy, power, respect, leaving a legacy, leisure, responsibility, retirement, security, self-esteem, self-discipline, service, strength, spirituality, struggle, success, stress, time, travel, using my talents, recognition, wisdom, trouble, unhappiness, disappointment, discord, and so many more . . . banyak..banyakk..

i'm trying to think of something nice to say about money... i love the idea about,

' don't work for money, make money works for us'

"What we really want to do is what we are really meant to do. When we do what we are meant to do, money comes to us, doors open for us, we feel useful, and the work we do feels like play to us"

"Go out in the world and work like money doesn't matter, Sing as if no one is listening, Love as if you have never been hurt, and Dance as if no one is watching"

and i love this the most...

"Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping"

ok,don't judge me...hahahha

actually, this is what i'm meaning to write..enough said about money... hehehe.. Rayyan really love to play with my things..be it my handphone,my laptop,my tudung(yg dibuat mcm roti canai),my handbag etc. my handphone,luckily it's still operating eventhough dah dibaling sesuka hati dek rayyan...my laptop,ohoo..yang nih i sensitif sket,almaklumlah baru..so yang nih i bagi dia usik sikit2 je..xleh lebey2...bagi dia tgk slide gmbr dia or cartoon. my handbag...yang nih paling dia suka sbb dalamnyer ada banyak benda dia boleh 'explore'...the one he love the most is my wallet..tak pernah jemu dgn benda2 nih..and this is what he did...

open the button first

take out the cards.. receipts... money...and tadaaa...mommy,is this all u got?

and mak nyer hanya tgk je laa..lps tu kena kemas balik... but,before bagi dia main wallet tu kena make sure all the coins doesn't comes out.sekarang nih,kena letak handbag away from his reach sbb pantang nampak..siap la dia capai n kirai semua isi..tau2 sedar dah sepah satu bilik.

sekarang nih kami dah mula ajar dia menabung...suka sangat kalau dapat masukkan duit dlm tabung..suka sangat tengok jari2 comey tu pegang duit..he's trying to make sure the money doesn't slip from his fingers...alaa...sangat comeyy...mommy tak pandai simpan duit.but,at least i'm making an effort to make sure that my son does.... hehheh...

so,i'm warning sape2 yang jumpa rayyan...jgn tayang depan rayyan handphones(especially yang canggih manggih,yg baru beli,yang harga ribu2..bahaya!), handbag and wallet(dia pandai buka handbag xkira la zip/button/buckle..dia dah practice dgn mommy's collections kat umah), laptop pon! kami tidak bertanggungjawab di atas segala kerosakan caused by this eager little boy...

tokorode,hari ni kami ada high tea di Hotel Legend...nak makan puas2...hehehe...will update more stories later...maklumlah tengah takde kelas...

Happy Holidays!!

What we ask from God,Let us work for it too

My Rayyan is 1year 5months @ cameron highland

seperti biasa...tajuk tiada kaitan dgn cerita dlm entry..heheheh..

cerita kali ni is about hari raya qurban.raya qurban kali nih, kami sekeluarga beraya di Perak.kampung sebelah father in law... here goes a pix-story~

on the way singgah sebentar beli lemang mula2 kami ke Selama melawat Tok Su..kata mama, tok su la yang tolong jaga emir n my BIL(brother in law) masa derang kecik2. rumah tok su sgt simple.dlm rumah xbyk perabut.ada satu peti televisyen kecik utk hiburan anaknya yg sama2 tinggal dgn tok su..anak tok su pon dah berumur...walaupon rumah tu nampak uzur dan tak sesempurna rumah2 lain, i love the surroundings..tok su mmg seorang yg neat n tidy..rumahnya sgt bersih dan teratur...halaman rumah pon bersih,takde daun2 gugur atau sampah...rumah yang comel :) kemudian,kami ke rumah Mak Ani,anak Tok Su... kami tumpang bermalam di rumah Mak Ani.macam2 kami dijamu. malam tu sempat berurut dgn Mak Ani...sangat sedap badan kena urut.apatah lagi baru je baik demam arituh...cerita mengadu itu ini ngan Mak Ani..mcm2 tips dapat..hehehe..pagi esoknyer dapat urut lagi...mmg sangat suka kena urut...kalau la tiap2 bulan boleh konsisten berurut..mesti best..hehhe rumah Tok Su kat Selama

rayyan di rumah Tok Su rayyan @ rumah Tok Su pagi raya qurban family Tok Ani selepas berhari raya qurban di Selama,kami bertolak ke Simpang Pulai, rumah mak ngah sebelum berkonvo ramai2 ke Cameron Highland.5 drpd 6 adik beradik FIL join trip 2hari 1malam tu. kami stay kat apartment..semuanya di sponsor...hehehehe.. seronok jugak bila dah ramai2 nih...main masak2,karaoke,cerita gosip sana sini ... happening sungguh.. maybe we should organize activities like this more often...hehehe.kami pon apa lagi, bershopping laa.. my FIL la syiok beli sayur,buah2an... mommy rayyan beli pokok bunga rose n pokok cili..hahaha..dulu pernah beli sekali,menjadi2 pokok cili tu..seronok pulak,sbb xyah beli cili kat kedai..supply byk kat umh..petik je. as for the roses,tak tau la sampai bila hayatnyer tu..hopefully,bole la tahan lama..hehe..pulak tu skg nih,bunga nyer dah byk kembang..kimochii sgt bila tgk... happiii!! geng jalan2 cameron highland Rayyan & mommy @ cameron okey dokey... that's all a-bit-late story about our cuti raya haji 2008... have a nice day!!

100th entry... specially dedicated to Mak

Teringat kat mak... yerla,duduk jauh2 nih bukan tiap2 hari telefon...apatah lagi kalau sibuk sgt dengan komitmen kat sini,suami..anak..kerja.. sampai nk telefon mak pon tertangguh2.. cumanyer kesian kat mak, mesti dia tertanya2 khabar anak bongsu dia yang jauh ni... anak mak la katakan. kalau nak harapkan mak telefon, mmg payah laa... mak nih nak angkat telefon pon kadang2 gagangnyer terbalik...ehehhe..apatah lagi nk mendial nombor telefon.bukannyer dia tau..in fact,tak pernah pun tulis n simpan nombor anak2 dia.. mak memang tak pandai bab2 guna gadget nih. umur mak dah 71tahun.tapi mak masih kuat,walaupun kadang2 tak berapa sihat.mak masih lagi kuat mengerjakan kebun kecik yg dia buat kat belakang rumah kami..tanam sayur2,pokok limau,pokok pisang,ubi etc.. itu memang hobi mak dari dulu. saya pon minat menanam..pernah mak kata, tangan saya sejuk sbb pokok yg saya tanam selalu menjadi.sekarang nih dah duduk rumah tingkat tinggi2,tak byk space n xde tanah..dah lama la tak buat aktiviti tu.rindu jugak,sbb mmg suka pokok2 n bunga2..tunggu la ada rumah sendiri nnti. so, walaupun duduk jauh nih..sebagai anak kita la yang kena approach mak.. kita la yang kena lebih concern..kita la yang kena lebih peka dan sensitif tantang mak.kalau dulu kecik2 dia jaga kita,sekarang nih dah tiba masanya untuk kita bertatih sikit2 untuk jaga dia...walaupun secara tidak langsung...after all,kita kan anak. walaupun bukan anak kandungnya, dan walaupun mak mempunyai 6orang lagi anak yang lain..tanggungjawab itu tak akan lari..kata orang,seorang emak mampu menjaga 10 orang anak, tapi sepuluh orang anak belum tentu mampu menjaga seorang emak... strange but somehow it happens

buat mak,

MAK...

terima kasih kerana jaga adik dengan penuh kasih sayang.

terima kasih kerana sudi mengambil tanggunjawab membesarkan adik.

terima kasih kerana menerima adik seadanya dan memahami adik...

sesungguhnya, adik memamng bertuah menjadi anak mak!

amat bertuah dikurniakan mak sebagai mak adik...

sayyyyyangg Mak!!

MOTHER

Hi Mother, 拝啓（はいけい）、元気にしてますか?

最近連絡しなくてごめん　僕はなんとかやってます...

小さな体に小さな手　白髪も混じり　丸くなって

しかし僕には　何よりも大きくて　誰よりも強くて

支えてくれたこの愛　だから子供にも伝えたい

近くにいると苛立つくせに　遠くにいると寂しく感じ

あなたはそんな存在　どんな問題も　身を削って解決する

そして　僕の知ってる誰よりも　1番我慢強くタフです

いつも真っ先に気にする　自分じゃなく僕の体で

炊事洗濯　掃除に育児　余った時間さらに仕事し

1番低い場所にあるものしか　求めなかったの　あなたよ

当たり前すぎわからなかった　1人で暮らし初めてわかった

あなたの凄さ　大変さ　それを思えば　今日も僕頑張れるさ

小さな体に小さな手　白髪も混じり　丸くなって

しかし僕には　何よりも大きくて　誰よりも強く

て支えてくれたこの愛　だから子供にも伝えたい

「明日朝7時に起こして」と言って

あなた時間通りに起こしてくれて

しかし　理不尽な僕は

寝ぼけながらに言う言葉は「うるせぇ!」

こんな繰り返しのルーティーン　いやな顔ひとつせずに

あなた　毎日起こしてくれた

どんな目覚ましより温かく正確だった

それでもある日　学校をズル休み　「行きたくない」と言い

布団から一度も出ぬ僕前に　顔を両手で覆い隠し

大声あげて泣いた　僕も悲しくて泣いた

その時僕は　「なんて馬鹿な事をしたんだ」と自分責めた

小さな体に小さな手　白髪も混じり　丸くなって

しかし僕には何よりも大きくて　誰よりも強くて

支えてくれたこの愛　感謝してます　

My Mother

子供に先立たれる程　辛い事なんて　この世にないのだから

たった1秒でも　あなたより長く生きること　

これだけは守る

これだけは...

あなたの子供でよかった　あなたが僕の母でよかった

いつまでも変わらない　ずっとずっと変わらない

僕はあなたの生き写しだから...

小さな体に小さな手　白髪も混じり　丸くなって

しかし僕には　何よりも大きくて　誰よりも強くて

支えてくれたこの愛　だから子供にも伝えたい ずっと僕の母でいて　ずっと元気でいて

あなたにはまだ仕事があるから　

僕の親孝行受け取る仕事が...

Translation; Hi Mother, Dear Mother, how are you doing?

Sorry I haven’t called recently,

I’m doing okay…

*Your body is small and so are your hands

White hairs are mixed in and you’ve grown more genial

But to me you’re still bigger than anything, stronger than anyone

I want to tell my kids about this love that supported me

Even though I grow impatient when I’m near you

When you’re far away from me I grow lonely

That’s who you are to me, you can cut through any problem and solve it

And you have the most patience and toughness of anyone I know

You would always be concerned over my well-being before your own

Cooking, doing the laundry, cleaning, raising a child

You even worked during your free time

You would only require things from the lowest places

I didn’t understand even though it was so obvious

It wasn’t until I started living by myself that I understood

Whenever I think of how much you’ve accomplished

And how hard it must have been, I feel like I can try my best today

(Repeat*)

I’d say, “Wake me up at seven a.m.”

And you would wake me up right on time

But I would be unfair to you

And say the words “shut up” while I was still half-asleep

This was the daily routine

You never made one tired face

And woke me up every day

Warmer and more accurately than any alarm clock

But then one day I skipped school and said, “I don’t wanna go”

I wouldn’t leave my futon and you stood in front of me

Hid your face with both hands and cried loudly

I also felt sad and cried

At that time I blamed myself wondering, “How could I be so stupid?”

Your body is small and so are your hands

White hairs are mixed in and you’ve grown more genial

But to me you’re still bigger than anything, stronger than anyone

I give you thanks for this love that supported me, my mother

I know there’s nothing more painful in the world

Than a parent burying their child

So I’ll make sure it never happens

Even if I only live one second longer than youI’ll make sure of it…

I’m glad I’m your child

I’m glad you’re my mother

And that won’t ever change

It won’t ever change for all time

Because I am the very reflection of you…

(Repeat*)

Be my mother forever

Be well forever

You still have one more job left to do

And that’s to accept the duty of loving me…

The Greatest Thieves of Human Happiness & Abundance is Ungratefulness

Sudahkah anda bersyukur hari ini? Pada setiap benda yg disyukuri akan ditambah lagi nikmat bagi seseorang itu… walaupun sekecil2 benda..walaupun bersyukur hanya kerana anak anda senyum pada anda hari ini,kerana suami anda mampu pergi bekerja hari ini, kerana anda ada mereka pada hari ini,kerana ada punya benda2 yg anda ada hari ini… kerana bunga tepi jalan itu cantik dan buat hati senang melihatnya..kerana walaupun jln jam anda sampai rumah dgn selamat.etc.byk kan benda yg boleh kita syukuri? Tp kadang2 kita nih lupa dan sombong dgn Dia… yg tak dapat kita sibuk nak...yg dah dapat kita tak berterima kasih… peringatan hari ini untuk diri sendiri..

Seronok juga bila cakap pasal topic nih,tp saya takdelah alim sgt nk cerita panjang.hanya ilmu yg sikit nih je,utk igtkn diri.bila kita cerita kat org lain,secara tak langsung hati kita juga akan terkesan dgn kata2 sendiri.sama juga bila2 masa I motivate my students,I'm motivating myself at the same time…pesan seorang guru yg sangat saya hormati, kalau nak menyampaikan ilmu kepada org lain, biarlah sampai ilmu itu kepada hati pendengarnya..baru kekal dan berkat…untuk jadi mcam tu kita sendiri kena bersih hati dan ikhlas dalam menyampaikan ilmu… **peace**

tokorode;

Okay …enough with all the not-very-admiring stories from previous entry… alhamdulillah,hari ni dah mula bekerja semula. I regain 88%of my strength..another 12% is the part that is still living inside my breast. Kind of hard to make it comes out. Sampai sakit tengkuk dah sekarang ni sbb asyik tunduk2 masa nk pam susu and make the lump soothe. Sakit tengkuk yg agak teruk. Tp takpe,ameltz yoko-yoko kan ada…hehehe. Hari ni nak tukar angin la pulak. Terasa rajin nk menjawa tag yg dah jadi jeruk… dear Dandelion, here's to you… and of course to you too,the one who's reading this right now ;p

something u might not know about me ;p

What were you doing 5years ago?

5years ago---> 2003. I'm 20years old. mudanyerr...

• Grad from AAJ and flew to Japan on 23^rd February the same year.
• I'm single… no commitment… no boyfriend...looking forward to find 1 there.hihih..(tanam niat awal2).
• Being on a plane and travel overseas for the 1^st time in my life…
• experienced so many new things in Japan. The food, the lifestyle, the surroundings, the seasons, the school n lectures & many more.
• Met the love of my life for the 1^st time… declare as a couple 2weeks after we knew each other.
• 2003 – a year full of love and happy things ; )

What were the 5 things on your to do list today?

• Play with rayyan
• Prepare ebm for rayyan
• Watch movie?maybe (emir nak sgt tgk Body of Lies yg ada Leornado De Caprio tu..)
• Makan ubat & suppliment
• Try to ease the pain

What are 5 snacks that you enjoy? I'm not a fan of snacks yg jajan2 tu.. adik beradik cekedis…probably because, kecik2 dah puas mkn kot… lps bersalin, cara pemakanan masa pregnant terikut2 sampai skg..mmg kuantiti byk and frequency agak kerap..tp berat tak naik2.. blom naik..hehehe… Alhamdulillah, benefit from breastfeeding...hehehe... dah stop bf nnti entah2 mengembang..risau jugak. So, back to the questions, I enjoy these as my snacks;

• Fruits… almost any fruits..Strawberry, Melon, Mango etc
• Salad
• Waffle (always chocolate +peanut butter)
• Roti bakar
• Juices, green tea, cendol @ ABC ..owh! dan air muscat tea kat nihon yg ada bila autumn saja..

What are 5 jobs you've had?

• Jahit hidung patung doraemon...hahaha...tak tipu.
• Keje potong benang and packing baju
• Jadi minah kilang..operator pengeluaran lps SPM
• Baby sitting
• Praktikal kat kilang Jepun. Merasa wat keje engineer, QA & operator. Sgt xbesh

People I want to tag?

I don't really have anyone in mind. Sape2 yg nak buat,silakan… sesuai dibuat bila time xde idea nk tulis apa kat blog.

Hehehe… have fun! chinamini,

saya sangat2 bersyukur kerana Allah hadiahkan saya anak comey ini... Thank You, Allah~

tgh2 tgk tv tiba2 budak nih dtg tunjuk muka,MasyaAllah,terkejut mak encik!

ini kerja dia dan ayahnya... habis makeup mommy!! both of you!

he's really like a doll... :)

Another challenge in motherhood

it occured last sunday morning.. i felt a sudden change on my breast and suddenly i was shivering.. a strong shiver..sampai gigi pon menggigil sama...waktu tu pkl 5pg..MasyaAllah,dahsyat sungguh demam ni..suhu badan sampai 40degrees.tiba2 je..padahal the other night, i'm doing fine.so,emir cpt2 bangun ajak ke klinik. tanpa byk ckp, i just follow his lead. he puts on my socks and my coat on me and off we went at 6 am to find a doctor. mula2 kami ke klinik panel..sepertimana sangkaan kami..kata je klinik 24jam,tp bila kami sampai pintu berkunci,takpe la lagi..maybe utk keselamatan..bila ditekan loceng berkali2 baru la nampak kelibat org mamai2 kat dalam. i was sitting in front of the clinic shivering and covered myself with my long coat.masuk je dlm klinik, rasa mcm xlarat nk duduk.. nk baring..tp xde tpt..cuma kerusi yg tersusun panjang..emir tlg register.punyer la lama amek masa nk register satu patient..maklumlah,mata nurse tu masih kabur2 baru bgn tido.ada 2 org tp buat keje slow..mcm xnmpk org kat depan mata nih menggigil2. lps tu, bila masuk bilik tu,tgk doktor tu pon tgh genyeh2 mata,gaya org baru sedar dr tido..dlm hati kata,biar benar doktor ni...but,my fever scares me most! doktor tu cuma tanya lebih kurang,check suhu badan n bg ubat. when i told him, my it's not just fever but my breast also sore..he ask me to go to the hospital. well, i kinda agree straight away coz i'm not really satisfied with his service and i think this has to do more than just an ordinary fever. kemudian,kami ke hospital pulak. bhgn kecemasan dan trauma. tak ramai org..cuma ada satu couple arab bawa anak derang..lps tu i'm in for check up. the medical assitant checked my blood pressure and my fever and sent me to the doctor for further check-ups. wait again for another hour baru settle everything. but it didn't satisfies me either. the doctor just gave me some traditional remedies to fix the sore and that's it..along with some paracetamol to help soothes the fever... we came home..i'm glued to the bed all day long...lucky it was sunday and hubby is at home fixing everything for me.. feeding me, help 'tuam' the sore area, get the medicine to be swallow, giving support and all.i totally felt like a baby... a helpless one.. the next day, of course i'm on MC..had to leave my class. panas badan dah kurang..tp sakit kat bhgn breast tu masih ada. tak puas hati dgn check up smlm,my MIL insisted we go to another specialist... kali ni doktor nyer better..mmg cara seorang doktor laa..siap bg penerangan sampai lukis2.he said that my milk duct is clogged..well,i didn't really know whether it's singular or plural..but it's really painful.he said that i have 2 options..1st, to take antibiotics and wait until the sore fades or 2nd, to stop breastfeeding. i kinda disagree with him on his 2nd opinion,but if it is necessary, than maybe i'll consider it. i took both options and he prescribed me with antibiotics and some pills to stop milk production in case i decide to stop bf. so, for the rest of the day, i stop giving rayyan direct breasfeed and luckily there's some ebm stock left in the freezer...he kept on coming to me, selak2 baju..kesian rayyan..sorry yer sayang..mommy tgh sakit.. but unfortunately, that evening the high fever came back.39.5degrees..this is getting worse.i went on doing some study about the clogged thingy.after searching and browsing in the internet all about it,everything shares almost the same idea,"nurse frequently,rest and apply heat to the tender area".. it is something called milk duct clogged.if i don't drain the clogged duct it might worsen and turn into tumor..yada! i think that makes sense..doing nothing and hoping it'll ease by itself is not really answering my worries...finally, i had myself satisfied after all the information i had to pay for... i had the good one for free.the solution is to keep on bf frequently and have a good rest..rasa mcm nk cuti all week je.. actually, i experienced this once after labour...masa mula2 breasfeed.masih igt lagi,mlm pertama dgn rayyan di hospital..dia asyik nangis je sepanjang mlm..sampai xboleh nk tido...dah cuba bf dia pon tak jalan...and then,bila balik rumah pon kadang2 dia nampak mcm tak puas je bila bf..few days later,my breast starts swelling and in pain...rupa2nyer selama nih rayyan nangis2 tu sbb tak puas minum.patut la asyik merenget.i had bengkak susu..my breast is full,but the milk is not coming out efficiently...and my nipples cracked...masa tu tiap kali rayyan nk breastfeed mmg menangis sambil menyusukan dia..pedih teramat sgt.lps dia menyusu,susu masih byk so i had to expressed it using breast pump...pedih jugak tp kena tahan.macam2 petua i did to relieve the pain...dah la dalam pantang and i just had a baby but i can't take care of him because all of the pain...i almost gave up..almost decided to stop breastfeeding..but lucky i had supportive husband and family...i still remember crying on his shoulder and apologize for my failure..it was all really killing me from the inside..as a new mother...but,i keep on reading all about breastfeeding from any source i could find...i've got to have the knowledge to overcome the problem and to keep up with my baby..alhamdulillah, i manage to settle down a few weeks later. and now, again...the same problem came. i must be strong.i can go through all this again.i must pay more caution about all the details on breastfeeding.the feeding position,the outfit,the regularity and so on...i shouldn't take it for granted.alhamdulillah,by today the tender area is a bit relieved. the fever has left ..i guess..but my throat still feel a bit bitter... well,the good new news is i don't have to stop breast feeding myrayyan.i'm gonna be strong and feed my child as long as he want to.insyaAllah..hopefully i'll regain my strength soon. references; la leche league international kidshealth assosiatedcontent cloggedmilkduct babycenter letstalkbabies ~Ya Allah, Give me the strength to go through all the obstacles along the way of motherhood.Give us your generous blessing and guard our family under you protection.amin~

penawar suka duka

She reminds me of ME

Behind every single soul, there's a story.

In every life, there's history...

Sometimes, it is shared...sometimes it remains as a secret...

I think I'm ready to share and let it go...bit by bit

I'm ready to reveal the secret to the world

I'm done keeping it...

Story about HER

I've been meaning to write about her since the day I met her. She's sooo tiny and fragile when I 1^st laid my eyes on her pretty face. At first it feels weird to hold her in my arms, coz she reminds me of someone… I was kinda avoiding having to hold her. There's a mixture of fear, sympathy and uncertainty feelings every time I touch her. It's weird. But she's plain pure and innocent. She's like a sunshine that brings light to the person I love. She's like the last piece of a jigsaw puzzle to makes a perfect picture. She gives a new hope when they thought they'd never had one… She completes them…bringing more love and joy to the family. And now, we share her love together…

24^th May 2008

I received an sms from my sister saying she's gonna have a baby. Well, I'm excited coz I thought she's announcing that she's pregnant. I called her to dig for more details about her pregnancy. Apparently she's not carrying one but am taking one from someone... "owh-kay", is what I managed to reply for her big, happy news. Then, I congratulated her and tell her how happy I am, and that I can't wait to come home and see her new baby. I know how much she wanna have a child of her own. She experienced abortion once while I'm far...far away. They tried to get pregnant but still until today the luck is not on their side. I just believe that God has a better plan ahead of them. And what they are waiting for has finally come to end their loneliness and fill the missing part of their life. I'm nothing but happy… too happy in many ways. As the one that came to them, reminds me of ME! 25 years ago…

I went back home the next week to help my sister with all the arrangement to bring her home. And then, I saw her mother...her birth mother…I took a good looked at the woman or shall I say a girl coz she looks young. She's still weak as she just gave birth to her baby girl last week. I've been there in the same situation so I know how she felt plus all the giving away process she has to go through. When I looked at her, I can't help but thinking of my birth mother at the same time. How does she look like when she's giving me away. How does she felt about the decision she's making. Would she care about the baby the day after that day? Would she wanna see her baby again? Would she even remember the face of the baby she gave birth to? And a whole lot more of stupid questions clouded my half-conscious mind. Of course, I'll never have the answers to all my questions but I got some of the idea from the look of the woman who's about to repeat a history. All I can say is that, she's a mess and giving up her child might just be the best decision for her and the baby. At least, I hope so…

Story about ME

The baby girl... she reminds me of ME. I was at her place different situation 25years back. I was adopted. My biological mother was my sister's best friend. Due to some circumstances, she had to give me away. Although my foster family was not a pocket-full of money family either, they accepted me with open arms. They love me unconditionally that I didn't even have a slightest thought I was adopted. But of course I was too young to figure out all that... It's not easy growing in a family who is not your biological family. Not because they didn't treat you well, or they didn't love you just enough…but, by how others, I mean outsiders who treat you as an 'anak angkat'. I knew I'm adopted when I was still a little girl...if I'm not mistaken, I was around 5…I was learning how to write alphabets and trying to spell my name and my family. It was the time when I was trying to list down all my siblings name altogether. Then, I realized that their father's name isn't the same as mine. I asked my sister, but she lied saying that my mother married twice.hehehe… it's ridiculous and I know it's a lie. Then, I became more eager to know more... I went digging for more and searched for my birth certificate. I found out about my birth mother's name, my father's, where I was born and all the details on it. I can still remember the feelings. It was a mixed feelings between surprised +confused +sad and so many more unexplainable feelings. I remembered thinking of how am I supposed to react to that. Took me some time to swallow the fact and act casual. Slowly I came to my sense and chose to ignore… why? Because I'm happy for what I have back then and I don't wanna hurt my mother and sisters.

I'm an adopted child and an orphan too. My foster father passed away when I was 3. I don't remember any memories about him but I have his picture. So, basically I'm raised without a father. I don't have a man in my life to call 'abah' to when I can finally made my noisy sounds into words… I don't know how a father's love feels like… I'm always jealous looking at my friends being with their dad. I'm once being called 'budak kurang ajar' at school kononnyer because I'm raised without a father's attention. B*D*H!! I still remember that girl who said that to me and we are still friends until today. I'm no angel myself! But I disgraced her for what she did to me back then. You see, it really is not easy being a fatherless girl…tougher when you're surrounded by people who're sometimes being mean and use it as a weapon to hurt you. But, it's not easy to bring me down…I'm stronger than they think…but, deep inside I'm still that little girl who wonder… wonder how does it feel to be love by a father… I kept picturing me with my biological father, but then it's hard to imagine because I can't put his name to a face …because I don't have his picture…

My biological mother…well, I saw her the 1^st time when I was 12. She looks nothing like me...or should it be the other way round? I look nothing like her... a judgement that came from my eyes… she brought along my big brother and younger brother. I can't tell if we have any similarities anywhere… their nose? their eyes? their skin? And then, I stopped comparing my physicals and started thinking and imagining if I go home with them… I'm used of being the baby girl in the family that I don't think I can handle having an adik. Can they accept me as the new member in their life? Can we get along well? And then they told me I have a younger sister too… so that makes me the 2^nd child of 4siblings… how can they gave me up? I'm the 2^nd…? She took care of the other 3 and not me? And then more and more questions crushed in my mind again but I slowly chose to 'I don't have to know all that' because I'm happy for what I am. The past is history... and I can't turn back the time. Whatever the answer is, it doesn't change anything anymore…it might just make me feel worse. Hence, I chose not to know. It's hard being adopted when it is obvious that you're an adopted child. You know what I mean? my siblings( 3 sisters and 3 brothers) are fair and I'm..well, the black sheep of the family (but I'm being treated well and being love unconditionally…) people always ask, why my sister looks like a chinese and I look like anak mami? My sister's answer is, 'owh..dia nih lahir masa bulan gelap'. well, it's not scientifically true..not even close. But, it sure soothe me and helps my heart understands that they love me the same. I know that people can guess that I'm adopted by the way I looked from my brothers and sisters but I just hope they don't treat me like I don't deserve a decent life. Don't hunt me with words that the shows I'm just an 'anak pungut'…don't ever make me feel like my family didn't love me just because we didn't share the same blood. It's a sensitive issue… it really is!

But, truly I'm grateful to be blessed with beautiful people around me that motivated me to become a better person. To be able to proof to those who doubt me that I'm not useless and helpless. To proof that 'anak tukang buat kuih' can be successful and stand on her own feet. Above all, I thank the women who helped me go through this complicated life of mine…my mom and sisters and friends. I never regret being raised without a father because they showered me with love more than a father himself could give. I wish for the strength to be able to repay their kindness. I hope God bless them with good health and happiness. I just hope… deep down their heart they didn't regret taking me into the family… I just hope I didn't let them down in any ways.

Back to the little girl, a new member in the family...well, I hope she'll grow up to be someone we can be proud of. I want to treat her just like my own daughter. I hope I can give my best for her and help in every way...

I got the honour to name that little girl… a significant name that came across my mind when my sister asked me to put a name to that pretty little face. I hope she'll be as beautiful and kind as her name… * * * * * * * * * *

~I named her QASEH SOFEA~

( Sofea = beautiful, wisdom, clean heart )

To Desire is to Obtain, To Aspire is to Achieve

Cerita Minggu lepas;

saya sibuk dgn budak ini..actually, always sibuk dgn budak ini..dan saya suka menyibukkan diri dgn budak ini ;) kemudian, sibuk juga dgn si dia nih.. teman jalan2, mkn luar sama2, layan roti bakar mlm2... dating tengok wayang, mengadu itu ini..pot-pet-pot-pet...etc..

this is my must-have-therapy! tehehe kemudian,sibuk juga dgn seminar ini. Alhamdulillah, semuanya telah berakhir dgn jayanya. Tahun depan kalau ada rezeki, boleh buat lagi... senario semasa seminar.kami yg tekun mendengar pembentangan kertas kerja.. ada org nun kat blkg tu sempat nk jenguk kamera.. ish3.. sorang tu tido ke? antara yg menjayakan seminar kali ini... somewhere around last week, kami bawa la anak-comey-kami ni jalan2 ke Jusco berhampiran rumah kami oleh kerana minggu lps petang selalu hujan.. anak comey ini tak berkesempatan nk main2 di taman permainan.. kami ganti dgn indoor-playground kat sini. macam ayam lepas dr kandang.. bukan main seronok lagi dia panjat sana-sini.. the giant slide.. mak dia sgt ngeri nak tunggu dia turun... Sabtu pulak bawa atuk & moyang jalan2 kat Mines.. Rayyan excited tgk cruise dlm shopping mall tu.. siap nk lompat dlm sungai budak ni..pantang lepa pgi ahad, kami bangun pkl 530pg.. dia pon bangun sama... nk ikut juga ke KLIA hantar Ummi pergi holiday... tgh hari kami bergegas hantar atuk & moyang balik Melaka...lps tu bergegas balik rumah pick up Rayyan menuju ke Kajang sbb pkl 3 Rayyan ada 'date' dgn awek comey ni~ diorang nih beza 3bulan je.. Rayyan lagi tua tp saiz badan dah nk sama... Rayyan ni terlebih exercise ;)OP pon bukan main aktif harituh walaupon menurut emaknya dia tido stgh jam je tgh hari tu... Rayyan pulak kejenya nk tepis2 muka org... tah angin ape.geram kot. muka mak dia paling kerap jadi mangsa... habis tudung ditarik2.. tak boleh nk bergaya bawa budak ni main sama2 baik2 yer...

"OpPpss...",kata OP sooo adorable la kamu berdua nie

dan hari ini, saya sgt moody dan malas. lps habis kelas bm ( another 2 to go..yosh!!) terus main solitaire.. huhu.. dah lama tak main, terkedek2 jugak.lps tu sempat jugak layan cite upin & ipin. siap kantoi pulak tu.. hahaha... lps tu kena siapkan preparation kelas grammar.. esok pagi ada taklimat dr 8pg sampai 1tgh hari. ptg ada kls bunkei(grammar) & balik pkl 6 pulak tu... nampak macam bz, tp ada selingan hiburan.. itu sudah mesti.. hihihi.. termasuk la mengupdate blog nih..

owh yea, berkaitan last entry. dgn ini saya mengumumkan bahawa, saya MENANG!! nampaknyer pengundi berpihak kepada saya. hehehe.terima kasih kepada yg sudi mengundi...

p/s: org selalu tanya, saya nih kacukan ke? ingin dinyatakan disini bahawa saya bukan anak kacukan. bukan mamak, bukan anak mami, bukan kacukan Arab atau yg seangkatan dengannya. Kata mak, saya tulen 100%Melayu. cumanyer, yg ada iras2 hindustan nih sbb mak saya menyampah sgt2 kat sorang makcik india nih masa dia mengandungkan saya.. terkenan kot.. cayer tak? hehehe... nnti ada masa saya cerita lagi...

The Ingredients

most people said that Rayyan really looks like me. it's something nice for my ears to hear but not for emir.. sbb dia jeles! hehehe.. but last week,when i was browsing around the old albums yg dah berhabuk2 in the closet.. i think rayyan also looks like his father during babyhood...

well,let's see what your eyes would have to say about that ;)

This is me

this picture was taken when i was around Rayyan's age now

helleww? with my brother me naik basikal

This is Emir

around 1year old++

learning to walk.. sama gaya mcm Rayyan

i can see rayyan :) can you?

on his 1st birthday

orang ada gmbr naik basikal..dia pon ada jugak :p

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and then, came Rayyan!

who does he resemble the most? Let the votes begin! hihihihi