Rayyan, Mai angel

seriously... everything was moving so fast. i can't really believe that i have a son to who's gonna check in into a kindergarden.rayyan is 5 this year.i couldn't believe it myself as i keep saying that he's 4 during my conversation with the teachers.5years old?? really?? i think i have missed much of him and frankly, it really hurts... i keep on crying everytime i think of my conversation with him one time after my solat last holiday... i told him i'm sorry that i'm not around to be with him and that sometimes i scream at him.the moment i said it, he looked down and covered his face in my telekung...the next thing i knew was that he's crying...he's 5 and he's crying when i said i'm sorry...Ya Allah, that really touched my heart and i can't stop crying myself..i told him to look after his brother rifqi and be good to each other while i'm away..he nodded.. i cried everytime i think about that moment... i felt like i always blame him for making rifqi cried sometimes..maybe i didn't know how to handle when they started fighting over small things..but rayyan always have to gave in..i'm proud of him.it's kinda hit me how much he has grown to be... that was a conversation that i'll never forget my entire life...we both ended up crying together..just me and rayyan!

for the first time since i arrived here, i'm crying because i miss my kids.i've been putting walls around me, locking them in a memory room that i don't dare to open because i'm vulnerable each day here. right now, i'm taking down those walls and realize that i too, need to grow up! my kids taught me something i didn't see before..how strong they were when i'm not around...how much they miss me. i can't describe the face of joy they show when i show in front of them unexpectedly.i didn't tell them i was coming home..not even my parents..my friends, my collegues.. and those faces of them were priceless...and they still recognize me, love me the same as before  and nothing has changed eventho i'm a thousands miles away from them and i don't call them that often... they show me the strength, the courage.. the love i need!

tomorrow is Rayyan's 1st day in school..he has never been to any classes before but i know that he's gonna be alright. like he always do.. maybe he's gonna feel afraid at first but he's gonna like his new friends and school... he's the kinda of boy who don't shows his feelings...he always act he's ok... he's strong! mama pray for you dear...i always do!

latest picture..taken on 30.12.11 morning
4years 5months old

and for that, i have to be strong for them too. i have to change and be better and face my days

honestly, i'm still searching for the spirit to start my class back tomorrow. i've tons of things to do and don't feel like doing it.

i just hope that tomorrow just gonna work fine for me too...