She reminds me of ME

Behind every single soul, there's a story.

In every life, there's history...

Sometimes, it is shared...sometimes it remains as a secret...

I think I'm ready to share and let it go...bit by bit

I'm ready to reveal the secret to the world

I'm done keeping it...

Story about HER

I've been meaning to write about her since the day I met her. She's sooo tiny and fragile when I 1^st laid my eyes on her pretty face. At first it feels weird to hold her in my arms, coz she reminds me of someone… I was kinda avoiding having to hold her. There's a mixture of fear, sympathy and uncertainty feelings every time I touch her. It's weird. But she's plain pure and innocent. She's like a sunshine that brings light to the person I love. She's like the last piece of a jigsaw puzzle to makes a perfect picture. She gives a new hope when they thought they'd never had one… She completes them…bringing more love and joy to the family. And now, we share her love together…

24^th May 2008

I received an sms from my sister saying she's gonna have a baby. Well, I'm excited coz I thought she's announcing that she's pregnant. I called her to dig for more details about her pregnancy. Apparently she's not carrying one but am taking one from someone... "owh-kay", is what I managed to reply for her big, happy news. Then, I congratulated her and tell her how happy I am, and that I can't wait to come home and see her new baby. I know how much she wanna have a child of her own. She experienced abortion once while I'm far...far away. They tried to get pregnant but still until today the luck is not on their side. I just believe that God has a better plan ahead of them. And what they are waiting for has finally come to end their loneliness and fill the missing part of their life. I'm nothing but happy… too happy in many ways. As the one that came to them, reminds me of ME! 25 years ago…

I went back home the next week to help my sister with all the arrangement to bring her home. And then, I saw her mother...her birth mother…I took a good looked at the woman or shall I say a girl coz she looks young. She's still weak as she just gave birth to her baby girl last week. I've been there in the same situation so I know how she felt plus all the giving away process she has to go through. When I looked at her, I can't help but thinking of my birth mother at the same time. How does she look like when she's giving me away. How does she felt about the decision she's making. Would she care about the baby the day after that day? Would she wanna see her baby again? Would she even remember the face of the baby she gave birth to? And a whole lot more of stupid questions clouded my half-conscious mind. Of course, I'll never have the answers to all my questions but I got some of the idea from the look of the woman who's about to repeat a history. All I can say is that, she's a mess and giving up her child might just be the best decision for her and the baby. At least, I hope so…

Story about ME

The baby girl... she reminds me of ME. I was at her place different situation 25years back. I was adopted. My biological mother was my sister's best friend. Due to some circumstances, she had to give me away. Although my foster family was not a pocket-full of money family either, they accepted me with open arms. They love me unconditionally that I didn't even have a slightest thought I was adopted. But of course I was too young to figure out all that... It's not easy growing in a family who is not your biological family. Not because they didn't treat you well, or they didn't love you just enough…but, by how others, I mean outsiders who treat you as an 'anak angkat'. I knew I'm adopted when I was still a little girl...if I'm not mistaken, I was around 5…I was learning how to write alphabets and trying to spell my name and my family. It was the time when I was trying to list down all my siblings name altogether. Then, I realized that their father's name isn't the same as mine. I asked my sister, but she lied saying that my mother married twice.hehehe… it's ridiculous and I know it's a lie. Then, I became more eager to know more... I went digging for more and searched for my birth certificate. I found out about my birth mother's name, my father's, where I was born and all the details on it. I can still remember the feelings. It was a mixed feelings between surprised +confused +sad and so many more unexplainable feelings. I remembered thinking of how am I supposed to react to that. Took me some time to swallow the fact and act casual. Slowly I came to my sense and chose to ignore… why? Because I'm happy for what I have back then and I don't wanna hurt my mother and sisters.

I'm an adopted child and an orphan too. My foster father passed away when I was 3. I don't remember any memories about him but I have his picture. So, basically I'm raised without a father. I don't have a man in my life to call 'abah' to when I can finally made my noisy sounds into words… I don't know how a father's love feels like… I'm always jealous looking at my friends being with their dad. I'm once being called 'budak kurang ajar' at school kononnyer because I'm raised without a father's attention. B*D*H!! I still remember that girl who said that to me and we are still friends until today. I'm no angel myself! But I disgraced her for what she did to me back then. You see, it really is not easy being a fatherless girl…tougher when you're surrounded by people who're sometimes being mean and use it as a weapon to hurt you. But, it's not easy to bring me down…I'm stronger than they think…but, deep inside I'm still that little girl who wonder… wonder how does it feel to be love by a father… I kept picturing me with my biological father, but then it's hard to imagine because I can't put his name to a face …because I don't have his picture…

My biological mother…well, I saw her the 1^st time when I was 12. She looks nothing like me...or should it be the other way round? I look nothing like her... a judgement that came from my eyes… she brought along my big brother and younger brother. I can't tell if we have any similarities anywhere… their nose? their eyes? their skin? And then, I stopped comparing my physicals and started thinking and imagining if I go home with them… I'm used of being the baby girl in the family that I don't think I can handle having an adik. Can they accept me as the new member in their life? Can we get along well? And then they told me I have a younger sister too… so that makes me the 2^nd child of 4siblings… how can they gave me up? I'm the 2^nd…? She took care of the other 3 and not me? And then more and more questions crushed in my mind again but I slowly chose to 'I don't have to know all that' because I'm happy for what I am. The past is history... and I can't turn back the time. Whatever the answer is, it doesn't change anything anymore…it might just make me feel worse. Hence, I chose not to know. It's hard being adopted when it is obvious that you're an adopted child. You know what I mean? my siblings( 3 sisters and 3 brothers) are fair and I'm..well, the black sheep of the family (but I'm being treated well and being love unconditionally…) people always ask, why my sister looks like a chinese and I look like anak mami? My sister's answer is, 'owh..dia nih lahir masa bulan gelap'. well, it's not scientifically true..not even close. But, it sure soothe me and helps my heart understands that they love me the same. I know that people can guess that I'm adopted by the way I looked from my brothers and sisters but I just hope they don't treat me like I don't deserve a decent life. Don't hunt me with words that the shows I'm just an 'anak pungut'…don't ever make me feel like my family didn't love me just because we didn't share the same blood. It's a sensitive issue… it really is!

But, truly I'm grateful to be blessed with beautiful people around me that motivated me to become a better person. To be able to proof to those who doubt me that I'm not useless and helpless. To proof that 'anak tukang buat kuih' can be successful and stand on her own feet. Above all, I thank the women who helped me go through this complicated life of mine…my mom and sisters and friends. I never regret being raised without a father because they showered me with love more than a father himself could give. I wish for the strength to be able to repay their kindness. I hope God bless them with good health and happiness. I just hope… deep down their heart they didn't regret taking me into the family… I just hope I didn't let them down in any ways.

Back to the little girl, a new member in the family...well, I hope she'll grow up to be someone we can be proud of. I want to treat her just like my own daughter. I hope I can give my best for her and help in every way...

I got the honour to name that little girl… a significant name that came across my mind when my sister asked me to put a name to that pretty little face. I hope she'll be as beautiful and kind as her name… * * * * * * * * * *

~I named her QASEH SOFEA~

( Sofea = beautiful, wisdom, clean heart )