trying to be easy... to be positive

i don't really know what's going wrong with me, but i started having the flu back yesterday.a bad flu which needs me carrying tissues or handkerchief anywhere i go... i hate flu! and now, i feel like i'm having fever summore... this is sooo not the right time to get sick. i understand that during pregnancy period, our immune system will drop and that we have to take better care of the nutrien we take... i'm takign suppliment on daily basis.. but last week, i cheated on few days, cause i'm feeling healthily great. little that i know, it wont't be too long to be sick again for not being discipline enough. not only i escaped taking the suppliment, i didn't take food on time..or eat simply for the sake of eating without considering what actually i should eat for the baby's growth and my health. padan muka sendirik... and then, i muhasabah diri...why oh why??? come to think of it, the truth is lately, i'm running almost everything on my own... owh yeah, i haven't told you that i fired my maid due to her lack of sense being a good baby sitter to rayyan.balik2 buat keje rumah yg sama jer tiap2 hari sampai mommy pon naik menyampah...tak yah la citer pasal dia.the point is, she's not helping me at all in terms of taking care rayyan. we decided to fired her on 1st jan.told her that morning itself that we're gonna sent her where we took her and we don't need her service anymore.period! she's ok jerr.. good for us. and now, since there's no maid, meaning no one to be left with rayyan at home... i have to go back and fourth almost everyday to sent him to my MIL's.. well, masa maid tu ada pon, kena pergi balik jugak.cuma kerja2 rumah tu ringan sikit laa..luckily, the distance from both home is not too far..around 16km..masuk tol rm1.60 took us about 15-20mins to reach there.i'm not whining about having to pay the tol, but it's just sooo tiring to do this everyday.as emirr is soo super-duper bz with his current project which i soon hope to end by feb, i'm the one who has to take the responsibility.everything's on me.sending rayyan to the pil's,it's not the same as dropping your kids to the nursery.believe me..nama pon parents kan, kena la proper sket... itu pon naseb baik my MIL nih jenis sempoi...kalau dpt yg cerewet, lagi la trouble.kadang2, sempat sarapan lagi...sbnrnya, dari awal lagi, dah niat tak nak susahkan parents dalam bab anak nih, yerla masa nih kan masa utk derang berehat lps dah penat jaga kita dulu...tak elok rasanyer tambah lagi dgn masalah anak2 kita pulak...tp skg nih kami dlm kes darurat. i'm thinking of sending him to the nursery but my mil yg xbagi..she said, no...so i take that as a hint that she's fine having to take care of rayyan and at the same time helping us searching for another maid. let me tell you something about my PIL... my mil is not 100% a housewife. she's running her own business and that need her to go almost everyday to places to meet clients.on the other hand, my fil had retired since last year and now he's helping my mil with the business.so, basically they both are helping me with rayyan.i've experience once, tagged along with my mil to her client's house along with rayyan and i witness with my own eyes, how rayyan behaved. mind you, he's a growing little kid with full of curiosity to try this and that.imagine, how to control him and at the same time discussing with the client? luckily, rayyan nih bukan jenis yg degil tak dgr kata... i can say that he respect my mil and whenever my mil said NO, he didn't took long to obey... not that my mil is very garang dgn rayyan, i see her sometimes spoiling rayyan, but she has her own way of educating him... that's why if my mil went out without my fil, i'll get worried and feel bad. i'm worried rayyan will be a burden. but sometimes, rayyan is left at home with my fil, when my mil went out.. i prefer it that way. it's funny to see how my fil took care of rayyan all by himself... and sometimes,in order to meet my class schedule, i have to spend the night at pil's afraid that i'm not gonna have the time to send him the next day... because of that, rayyan became too attached with both his grandparents.sometimes, when i took him home, he'll get bored because i'm too busy doing the housework or taking some time for myself... he'll said, "ayyan nk ummi" or "ayyan nak atuk"... padan muka mommy. does that proves he prefers to stay with his atuk n ummi? jeles pulak bila dia cakap camtu..my mil said, sometimes when he's bored he says things like that.when he's at atuk's he'll say things like,"ayyan nak mama","ayyan nak papa"... but when in front of me he said he wants his ummi n atuk, i became jealous and annoyed...soemtimes i'm just too tired to entertain him... usually, when we reached home it's already dark outside and i'm just thinking about resting, watching tv or sleeping... when sometimes i forgot that rayyan needs his mommy at that time... yesterday, i even scolded him...he's not just asking for his ummi & atuk, but he's crying out loud at the same time? that really annoyed me.or maybe i just can't hear it anymore..it has been only 2months and i feel like he loves me less and it is all my fault... the stress of having to burden my parents about my kid, the stress of having to rush to work everyday, dropping and fetching rayyan everyday, the fact that i'm easily fatigue at times, and the work i have to get done on time, the stress of not being able to spend quality time with my other half everyday, the stress seeing rayyan calling his ummi n atuk instead of me... it's all just stressing... and no wonder i got sick easily.... i'm thankful to my PIL for their willingness to help.. i just wish all of this to be over... i wanna enjoy my pregnancy like i used to with rayyan.if u noticed, i didn't talk much about adek... as i myself don't have the time to think about it... i even skipped the regular check-up i should go...sometimes, a month late from that appointment date... and the stress doubled when people bising2 about me being sick while pregnant... i shouldn't caught flu laa... tak elok utk baby... seriously, i know! but i didn't ask to be sick.. and i'm sorry if my sickness cause some trouble to you..or you're afraid that i might carry the bad virus whatsoever that would infect you... but, there are story behind it that you might not understand... do you know i feel when people kept complaining?? i feel like crying but i just don't have the right reason to do so? because these are all my responsibility.. my son, my husband, my home, my job and the baby i carry in me!! enough said! stress do no good thus i let it out, and this chamber is the best place... :) tokorode, esok soubetsukai dinner utk batch 27.mari tenangkan jiwa tgk sekeping dua gmbr soubetsukai dinner last year

last year tema tradisional... tahun nih tema warna merah, hitam & putih...last year dah kena tema tahun nih, but sadly takkan nk pakai kebaya ketat dgn perut ke depan nih..sgt la xcomell... tahun nih pakai baju ala2 baju pregnant la nampaknyer... but, can i wear heels?? nk heels..maybe not too high.. :)